So how have I managed to not write a single entry in a month. I’ve been busy holidays, etc, that Alice story is at least three weeks old.

 

So I’m still on a man roll, although my age-dar was out on Saturday night when I kissed a guy I thought was about 27/28 turns out he’s 24!! We did go on a date on Sunday evening and he was nice and sweet, but thinking about it now, I don’t think I have any desire to jump his bones (boner), actually I could possibly break them! I said I would go out with him tomorrow night and I will. I think practice makes perfect and sure I can now be the perfect first date and second and third but oh wait, sure when did it last go past that???? I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 4 years! Fuck, well at least I have been getting laid sporadically!!

 

I’ve another date tonight, some random guy I got talking to around Brick Lane a few weeks ago, I can barely remember what he looks like and I don’t recall fancying him. If I say yes to every date I get asked on then surely the right date will come along?

Been drinking like a fish all week and from all good drinking sessions comes the opportunity to meet more men and so like a tourist in The Hawley arms I pulled a sound engineer last night, he was very drunk but had these wild sexy eyes and all I could think of was ripping his clothes off and fucking his brains out. Then he made the stupid mistake of saying he was going to the shop to get cigarettes and would I still be there when he got back, I told him to take my number. He whips out  his phone and his screen saver is a picture of his girlfriend and he has four messages from Alice! I flipped, men seem to think I’m this fantasy girl who they can cheat on their girlfriends with. I may be hot but I want a man that is interested in what I have to say not to play out some fantasy with. Anyway he spent the night following me around like a wounded puppy, I did consider going home with him but I realised i would only be condoning his behaviour and letting him disrespect not just his girlfriend but myself too and I deserve more than that!

So today I decided I was a man magnet and bam it’s working! So far I have had builders staring and commenting as I passed. My interview with a panel of 3 men went amazing, despite the fact I didn’t realise I needed a pitch for it until 15 minutes before and I literally winged the entire thing. Now in Pret having a coffee the barista has been super sweet coming to my table with napkins telling me about the free books they have and practically diving in to my pants. Oh yes my sex is on fire! Tomorrow I meet lucky number 3 , the man of my dreams!

To conclude on today I’m now watching the second Bridget Jones movie and yes I did sit in and watch the first last week but I’m reflecting on the fact that I had a fucking amazing single life so when I’m chained to a sink making baby bottles or bonding with a breast pump I’ll have a past to loop back and smile at! I’ve met all my Daniel Clever’s tomorrow is meet Mark Darcy Day!

 

 

So I slept with Scot, despite having a complete freak out before I met him. I only arranged to meet him as I was being far to keen on Tinder boy Will and thought by getting under another man I would be back to being my usual cool, calm, unbothered by  man self! Of course this backfired!

 

Before meeting Scot I had the ‘pleasure’ of a phone call from another Tinder Boy Jason, who we had exchanged a bit of banter with Mae West quotes and he wanted to call me. He phoned me and being a person who can talk to the wall he was probably amazed by my excellent telephone communication skills and decided to tell me about being an improvised piano player. Then without warning, he started to play the piano down the phone. I FUCKING hate pianos! this is as a result of childhood torture. My younger sister would practice the piano every morning before school while my mother screamed at me to hurry up. This went on every morning for 16 million years!  I restrained myself, actually the joy of a good old fashioned telephone conversation is you can sit in the room and pull faces and they can’t see you, screw Skype, I was having a screwed up, face making, eye rolling face off with myself while all the time being sweet and polite. Anyway I got off the phone now he’s sending me What’s Apps asking about my life and shit and I’ve no interest. He seems a bit desperate!

 

Back to Scott we met up we chatted and we get on really well and he listens to me, unlike Charlie who was just engineering his hands in to my knickers or bra all the time. I got drunk, I’ve been drunk every night this week. No I don’t have a drink problem, I stayed in all weekend so I have to keep my alcohol levels balanced. We came back to mine he kept pointing out how drunk I was and was slurring my words. He may have been teasing but it was bloody annoying, we had sex and it was okay. In my drunkenness I kept patting his head like he was a puppy, he pointed out the head rubbing and I stopped but it annoyed me more, it wasn’t like he was being amazing in bed, glass houses, stones etc. I also was contemplating a career in porn in the midst of it, I was so convinced by my own performance of pretending it was that good. I didn’t fake an orgasm, I just was rather unfocused throughout. Anyway I blame Will if he hadn’t been so damn good in bed then I wouldn’t have had to compare Scott and that is not fair!

 

So Scott left the next morning I couldn’t get rid of him quick enough, that’s why I way prefer staying in men’s houses I can leave when I want, none of this being accommodating to someone! I really sound like a heartless bitch but to be honest I am so tired of searching, I am ready for just one man in my life for the rest of it.

 

Men always come in threes so what’s the bets I meet up with the last one on Saturday?

 

So here’s the thing and why I stopped having no strings attached sex (aside from to many lame lays) it’s that stupid attachment thing where you sleep with someone you don’t think you are that attracted to and they end up being fucking amazing in bed! You think you can still walk away but you get some kind of oxytocin addiction to them and become an overnight junkie!!! I met “Will” on Tinder I had two dates lined up the other week and he was date 1, I thought he would be a practice date, only he was witty and charming and when he grabbed me and wore the face off me on the escalators of Oxford Street tube I thought “hello, you are definitely hot in the sack.” Tinder date 2 never went ahead and Will was begging me to meet him that night, I didn’t, it was to hot and sweaty to get on a tube and go south of the river. We met up on Saturday night instead and went to a pub that was to loud, followed by another that was to quiet and we sat playing Jenga and he did lines of coke. We then left to go to another bar but before I knew it, the bar was his place and we were playing Monopoly and coke. He was one of those guys who could do the 2 finger trick and before you know it your braless and powerless to his arms! Anyway we slept together and it was amazing! Finally someone who can keep up with me and not just in the bedroom, Wednesday was round 2, followed by whispers of “you’re amazing” in my ear during the night. Then he had to cancel our unconfirmed date on Friday, followed by a “maybe’ lunch on Sunday and he has yet to reply to my What’s App from two days ago. Damn him!!!

Anyway to undo all this I’m meeting the Scabby Scot tomorrow, I’m wondering if I get some oxytocin with him, will I undo that from Will? I reckon the more men smell other men off you the more they will want you.

I’m a great believer in “The Law of Attraction” but before I started believing it, I was obviously practising it, I’d laugh at 17 when people would tell me I was like Bridget Jones as I lounged around in my red penguin pyjamas smoking, longing for a boyfriend! Now in my early 30’s I’m bloody well her, minus the nice apartment in Borough Market, instead i’m flat sharing in a do upper in East London. In my 20’s I watched “Sex and the City” and longed to be like Samantha and went around sleeping with whoever I fancied, but now one night stands bore me, what was once fun and exciting in your 20’s is now bloody disappointing. It’s not that I feel sleazy after them, but so many men are useless in bed and I really can’t be arsed letting some guy get the benefit of my body while I lie there frustratingly crying without tears.

 

What I’m saying is I know how I got here believe me I’m embarassed when another person flashes her engagement ring and I’m like “OMG it’s amazing” and they’re like “so any men?” what do I reply with? “emm..some guy from Tinder keeps sending me pictures of his giant cock.”

 

Aside from trying to emulate Samantha in my 20’s I also had a fucked up sleeping and loving thing going with an alcoholic ex, which was beyond stupid! But I also spent my 20’s going out and getting drunk and fucked up with an awesome group of friends. But recently I’ve noticed while I was busy making all these great female friendships and some male one’s too, those people were focusing on relationships and are now all off getting married and single me is sitting there all alone! Yes those friend’s will say they love you and how amazing you are and how they can’t believe you are single but at the end of the day their number one is not you, it’s the dude they married and more fool you for putting such an effort in to friendships because that’s not giving anything back other than a kick in the face! Okay that’s a bit dramatic, but you do not need as many friend’s as you busily went about collecting in your 20’s, focus on a core few, some acquaintances and get a bloody boyfriend, as Jessie, Janet and Jane won’t be keeping you warm on those long cold nights or making you sweat in the warm ones!

 

7-7-14

Oh you’re so funny you should start writing a blog they say, yes but didn’t blogging reach it’s peak in like 2009 and isn’t it now 2014? So here goes after two coffees and multiple spoons of peanut butter straight from the jar (nuts are full of inspiration) I shall explain my life in a nutshell, right peanut butter is finished let’s crack on and no more nut jokes!

 

I never read blogs, apart from A Model Recommends oh and Food Babe but they aren’t really blogs are they? they’re more people I relate to telling me about things I want to know about and I’m not getting constant notifications that they’ve updated their blog. Also they don’t fit the criteria of what I imagine a blogger to be, which is some super trendy young one, sitting in a cafe in Hackney sipping some sort of herbal tastes like piss tea for 4 hours while furtively tapping away on their Mac looking super smug while their retarded, sorry stupid ugly milk bottle glasses fall down their nose!

 

Ok enough of the blogger bitching. Let’s focus on what really is important here and that is me. I am me, yes you heard it right I am me who else would I fucking be? My favourite word is fuck, hence ‘whatrhymeswithduck.com’ so if you are easily offended you can just go… you get it, off now!

 

I am currently without a lover, a partner, a soulmate, a someone to prepare dinner for, a someone that makes my friend’s feel less awkward whenever I am in polite company, whatever that means i.e. I give people nightmares or I become their secret project at their wedding. I can hear it now “FFS she’s still single, who the fuck am I going to seat her next to because everyone at my wedding is in a pair, like they should be” or “Oh darling she’s still single let’s sit her next to your charming cousin Dave who has the slight weight and flatulence problem and only likes to speak with his mouthful, I’m sure they will hit it off.” I do not have a problem being set up on blind dates, as long as they realise I have standards and need to have something in common with people. You see the problem with internet dating now a days is this, years ago going on a blind date was a big deal and your supportive friend’s would at least take a few seconds to consider who they were setting you up with, they may think for a second oh wait she did once mention that being a scabby fuck was a no no, so maybe we better not set her up with tight-arse Tim! But now a days internet dating is the norm friends think fuck it, sure let’s all throw enough shit against the wall in the hope that something sticks. And sure why wouldn’t she settle for some loser, who beats the living daylights out of her after one-to-many, sure it’ll be grand and then she won’t be on her own anymore!

 

Standards people, I have standards!!!! That is why I am not very unhappily married right now with some enfant terrible screaming at me to wipe it’s scabby arse!  I do love children, adore them and they love me, I have the baby gift. I just have no interest procreating with some bloke who is wrong for me and would result in a child that I half love, ie the half that’s mine, the half that’s his, would be screamy and have the scabby arse.

 

So I go on dates, Tinder dates, blind dates, dates with people I kissed while drunk, dates with people I vaguely know on Facebook as we once met at a work event. And you know what none of them have gone anywhere!!!

 

Why? because I am the three date girl. I go on the first date and I think oh, I don’t know you are kind of cute and you still have all your teeth and you could be better if I washed your clothes, actually binned your clothes, cut your hair and stop, you can’t change a man. And you go through the niceties you tell your life story they tell theirs, I’m sure there are more men in this world that I’ve told more of my life story to than friends I socialise with on a regular basis.

 

Date 2, because I knew I didn’t want there to be a date two but my friends all say you know I really didn’t like Ben on our first date but I went on a second date and look at us now all smug and married and pretending to be madly in love. So I go and I get drunk and I visualise that yeah maybe I could do this pretending to be mad about each other couple thing if I close my eyes and remain mildly drunk most of the time.

 

Date 3 this is dependent on date two but probably could entail sleeping with them, although this hasn’t happened at all recently, bar two pro sports players which require a separate blog entry (oh I’m a blogger now am I). Anyway the sex usually involves going back to theirs getting even more blind drunk and then getting jiggy with it, which is usually shite, honestly some men are so bad in bed it’s unbelievable. I blame all those women who fake orgasms, you are letting them get away with it! You try to guide them and they do it for a bit then go at your clit like some sort of woodpecker!!

That is why I gave up on one night stands, it wasn’t feeling dirty or shameful afterwards, no it was the bitter disappointment that some idiot had the pleasure of getting his rocks off with your body and you were left massively underwhelmed, staring at the curtains while Romeo snored away in post coital bliss while my blood boiled!

 

And so they must sense from me that I have no fucking interest I tried to fake interest for up to three dates and sometimes even four and you know what, I can’t just go out with myself! There is nothing worse than going on a date and spending the night laughing only to realise an hour in that yes you are laughing but you are laughing with yourself and him laughing at your joke, quib, personal mortification story and they are offering nothing in return just their laughter, not some funny little story they have about the time they accidentally emailed the entire global list in work about needing a new chair for their back issue or feeding dog food to the cat and it started barking! yes that is clutching at straws but come on, I need you to give me something not drone on about transfer pricing and something to do with your job that involves me falling asleep with my eyes open!

 

Personality, good looks and knowing what to do in bed, have these three and you will get past date four!